Spunkygirl Monologues

An interesting question?  Recently my family and I have learned that my Grandmother has less than 12 months to live.  It’s been an interesting week.  I have never paid so much attention to her stats and vitals, and I’m still struggling with the questions she’s asking me.

Today was a little busy.  She had made up her mind that she wanted to start taking care of things because her nosy roomie at the hospital would be away all day for tests.  So upon her request, I called her lawyer so she could make changes to her will.  He said he’d come later in the morning, which was great.  We then struggled with breakfast and talked about whether she would do some exercises today.  Thankfully O.T. showed up minutes later and talked her into a walk down the hall and back with a walker.

She spent time with her lawyer, and felt good to get that squared away, however within minutes Palliative Care showed up.  I use to work in Palliative Care, but when it’s your own family, it’s a very different story.  She was so upset when they came in, it was the worst timing.  I’m just glad I was there this time to help her out.  I just hope they’re patient and let her make the decisions in her own time and way.

I’m still struggling to find a balance with everything that’s happening.  I’m trying to do what I can for my Grandmother, I’m trying to be available to my Mother, I’m trying to work and do my job and help to keep the staff happy and it’s all a little much some days.

But with Grandma being sick I’ve had a lot of time to think.  Why am I in the rat race? I like my job, but sometimes the stress is too much and I want to escape. I cherish my freedom. I love the person I become when I’m traveling and free.  But working means that person has to hide for long periods of time.  I’m not 88 like my Grandmother.  I’m still young, I still have time to live my life.  Maybe it’s time to do some planning…

It’s Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. Normally it’s a weekend of family, fun and plenty of food.  This year it’s slightly different for our family.  My Grandmother (my last Grandparent) was rushed to the hospital on September 24th, her body had gone into a diabetic ketoacidosis.  For the first 4 days she was frail, couldn’t eat or drink and looked as though she wasn’t going to live for very long.  However, on the morning of day 5 she kind of woke up.  She was coherent, she could carry a conversation and she was moving around in bed on her own.

Each day she has slowly progressed.  She was still in tremendous pain due to a lump in her stomach (a pre-existing condition), but she seemed to be getting stronger.  Her potassium levels were becoming normal again, as well as her blood sugars.  When I went to see her 2 days ago she was sitting in a chair by the window, full of spunk, and talking about going home.

I returned to the hospital yesterday afternoon and discovered she was quite different.  She was back in bed, back on the IV and back on oxygen (she hasn’t been on oxygen since the night she was admitted).  I was upset to discover that the hospital had not called us to tell us of her sudden change in condition.  It was the OT guy who noticed the difference in her condition, not the nurses working in her unit.  When I approached the nurses station to ask why we hadn’t been called, one Nurse responded with “Well we have a lot going on, it’s too hard for us to remember to call the family.  You’re welcome to call us anytime though and check on her condition”.  My response was an angry one about how we as the family obviously need to be at the hospital 24/7 to make sure my Grandmother is taken care of.

My Grandmother spent her 88th birthday in the hospital, she’s had CT Scans, and MRI’s.  Her fingers are pricked for blood sugar tests 4-5 times a day and they draw blood from her arm everyday as well.  We’ve recently found out that she has pancreatic cancer and that there is nothing they can do for her. She will have to struggle through the pain an IF she wants to live in an Assisted Living Facility instead of being in Pallative Care she’ll have to exercise and be able to take care of herself.  At this point, I’m not sure if she can.  She has less than a year to live according to her doctors, and we think about that on a regular basis.  She wants us to live our lives and not worry about her, but the one day that we listen to her, her condition gets worse.

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada.  This morning we’ll be at the hospital with my Grandmother, hoping to catch her doctor and find out some more answers.  This afternoon we have to be home to make Thanksgiving dinner (My Dad and brother won’t do it), and then we’ll go back to the hospital afterwards.  I’m not sure what I can do.  I’m not sure how to balance my life and still be available to my family and Grandmother when I live 2.5 hrs away.

I pray that there are not too many other families spending this holiday the way ours is.